Mother’s day has just been and gone here in England and it got me thinking. Motherhood causes such a transformation in us but there is so much going on with our brand new little person in those first few weeks that sometimes we don’t even notice the subtlety of its magic. Before we know it, it has crept up over us and its force is unshakeable.

I don’t know about you guys but I have so many moments a day now when I half laugh/half cringe at how terribly mumsy I’ve become! I mean, how, where and when did that even happen!?

Eek, you know the moments I mean right? The ones where you almost see your own mother in the mirror as you walk by!  Yup those ones – I can just see Sophia rolling her little eyes at me now!

Raise ’em up high if you can relate…both mine are up! (Hands and feet)

1. Reaching into your handbag thinking you’ve found your lipstick and pulling out a tube of Bonjela teething gel instead
2. Being the proud owner of a handbag that rattles and squeaks
3. Doing a victory dance when your little one burps (bottom burps included)
4. Picking up your tiny human to smell their bottom is completely normal and totally necessary
5. Your night owl days are dead and gone. If you stay up past 9, you’re a hero. No really, #rockstar
6. You are exhausted just watching your cousins on Snapchat. Yes, Erica, this one is about you!
7. A lie in is 7am. A lie in till 8am is a miracle and you’re certain there are probably pigs flying somewhere right now or a unicorn at the front door.
8. Silence is not golden to you, it is suspicious. Very suspicious.
9. Accepting that most food you eat will likely have been partially chewed first and probably from off the floor. 3 second rule people, come on!
10. Hiding in the conservatory to sneak just one bite of dessert before the inevitable ‘sharing’ begins where your turn never comes.
11. Always having baby wipes to hand when cleaning everything in the house but not when you actually need to clean the baby.
12. You spend more time wiping the floor of restaurants post meal than enjoying the food.
13. ‘Sleeping’ at night is a battlefield with a baby in the bed. Real bruises, real story.
14. Your highlight of the week is meeting up with your NCT girls and mummy friends where of course you vow to spend some time not talking about the kids and yet spend the entire time talking about your kids (happily!)
15. You live in your jeggings – stained with baby food of course!
16. There is a never-ending pile of laundry, not helped by the load you’ve just washed for the third time because you forgot to dry it – eek!
17. Being unable to defy the gravitational force field that surrounds the baby aisle in ANY shop – especially Zara.
18. You consider it a luxury to have two hands to do any task – cue velcro baby, oh hi arthritic hip, see you soon.
19. Going to the bathroom is not a solitary occasion. There is always an audience and often applause.
20. There is a tiny place in hell for those stray pieces of lego which sit and wait for you to stand on them. Ouch doesn’t cover it! 
21. You used to have love heart eyes when your husband took you out for a nice meal, now it’s when he does the washing up, or changes the dirty nappy.
22. The guilt. The mummy guilt, about everything. It plagues you, even and almost always when it really shouldn’t.
23. Your kisses of course have magical, healing properties which never fail to bring a smile to your face when sought.
24. The indescribable delight you feel when your toddler looks at you and says, mama, amma, mummy – desperately seeking reassurance, love, approval, a smile, a nod, a kiss or a giggle.And it is all immediately worth it. (well, most of the time :p)

Love you Sophia x mama

Happy 2nd birthday buddy! On the first of July you turned 2! 

Would I leave you out of our home baked birthday cake tradition? Never.

  
 2 whole years of your mischief and cheek and I’ve loved every minute. In just 2 years, you’ve taught me things some people take moons to work out – here are my favourites! Thanks bud x

1. Forgive and forget 

2. Embrace your loved ones at the door 

3. Naps are good for the soul so lie in whenever you can 

4. Be loyal and faithful 

5. Wag more, bark less, bite never 

6. Eat what you’re given 

7. Perseverance is key – they’ll give up the chicken eventually

8. Live in the moment 

9. Enjoy the journey – it doesn’t always matter where you’re going 

10. End each day with a nuzzle, snuggle and kiss

P.s The cake was lapped up in no time and worked as a perfect treat for a good week. The recipe (from all recipes.com) is below for all curious dog lovers – very easy to make for even a novice baker so give it a go – tail wagging bowl licking good (and yes that was just me) 
Nutty for Peanut cake 

Ingredients 

1/4 cup of peanut butter

1/4 cup of cooking oil 

1 egg 

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract 

1/3 cup of honey 

1 cup of grated carrots 

1 cup of white flour 

1 teaspoon baking powder 

Method 

1. Combine the egg, peanut butter,vanilla extract,  cooking oil and honey and beat well 

2. Mix in the grated carrots 

3. Finally fold in the white flour and baking powder and spoon the batter into your prepared tin

4. Pop it into the preheated oven (180 degrees fan) for around 40 mins

5. Allow the cake to cool. Once cool, spread some more peanut butter (yes more!) to cover the top and serve a piece to your gorgeous pup! 

6. Sit back and smile – because they’re obviously licking the bowl clean! 

Love 

Crazy dog lady 

How ironic that you used to be little more than a filler month in the year and yet you’re quite the opposite now! Value has indeed been added over the last 2 years – we tied the knot on your fourth day, and again on your tenth and last year we celebrated Oscar’s first birthday while I eagerly awaited the start of my mat leave! 

But this year? Well this year is something else entirely and for that I have a different request. 

This year, I would like it very much if you wouldn’t say goodbye at all – can we dance together a little while longer July? Whatever sweet melody you like, your choice, pretty please?

Oh, how things change in a year. 

You see, this marks the last month of my maternity leave (cue gallon tub of haagendaaz and one spoon with my name on it please?). My last days of morning snuggles with Sophia, any time of day walks with Oscar, random catch ups with friends, baby group play dates and crochet time amongst many other tid bits I’ve grown accustomed to are numbered. Soon I will have to adjust to a new normal – familiar ground mind, only I’ll be wearing different shoes – mummy shoes. Working mummy shoes – I can do that, right? 

As I ponder that question, and muddle through this month being extra sentimental and terrified all at the same time, you can expect to see more regular posts (with me buried under a mountain of Kleenex) as I cling to what’s left of this wonderful perfect little life changing year! 

So it’s less than an hour before my birthday which makes it my birthday eve. A silly term I used in my younger days (ok, that was a white lie, embarrassingly not so long ago). Soon I will turn 29 so as taught by one of my old friends, I’ll spare a few moments to take stock of the year gone by and consider goals for the year ahead.

How eventful you were 28 and what I have learnt from you is far more than whats below, but here’s a few things that stood out.

My sister got married to my wonderful brother in law.
I almost lost my dad (a week before the above, hence qualifies for the most emotional 10 days ever).
I have incredibly supportive family and friends.
I met and worked with the nicest people I have ever come across (Oncology team- you know who you are)
I became an aunty (again) to my gorgeous little niece, Aishy! 
I have made amazing new mummy-friends who have made this year so enjoyable. 

Lastly and most significantly, I was given the greatest gift of all, motherhood and my beautiful Sophia.

Thanks to all of the above, I have changed so much in as little as a year. For the better, I’d like to think.

So I have only one hope and goal for the year to come – to keep on trying to be better…for my parents, my siblings, family and friends, my wonderful husband, my puppy dog and my angel, Sophia x Especially for you Sophia x

Here’s to my first birthday as a mummy and the last year of my twenties!

Schmidty,I hear ya…twenty noiinnnneeee!

By this point in my pregnancy, I’m pretty sure that even Craig Revell Horwood would have awarded Sophia a ‘10’ for her daily Argentine Tango on my bladder. So when I woke up around 5 on THE morning, I didn’t think anything of it at first. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and noticed that ‘that’ pain was a little worse. Ok a lot worse. Is this it? How many times had I asked myself that goddamn question! The pain soon caught a rhythm and I had my answer.

Now, my husband is quite a light sleeper but for some reason, that morning, he was dead to the world. I guess all those countless nights of lost sleep looking after me had finally caught up with him. Poor guy, little did he know, he was about to wave goodbye to a decent sleep for ooo I don’t know…18 years.

He finally woke up (contraction app attached to his hip of course) when my initial soft call for help turned into a roar! I think Oscar worked it all out before us both as he followed me every pace I took. He didn’t leave my side till we dropped him off at my parents, my sweet little puppyboy.

I must have slept through the ‘easy’ bit (I use that word loosely of course) – you know that elusive bit they speak of at antenatal class where you can supposedly stay at home and run a hot bath, and sing and slow dance and watch a movie or so they say! Yeah, there was none of that. It didn’t happen and there was no build up. Sophia, the protagonist of this play had announced her final scene, cue dramatic music from the orchestra. My contractions were here to stay and coming fast! That blasted app was right – it was time to go to the hospital.

From this point on, it was all a bit of a blur to be honest. I still come across new bits of the day as I think back even now. So here are a few bits that I have remembered (or rather not forgotten on purpose).

1. Pacing up and down our bedroom corridor (with Oscar) to distract me from the pain
2. Frantically putting on the TENS machine – bloody hell was it cold! (my best friend Mya warned me about this but it still made me shriek)
3. Ripping off said TENS machine – don’t get me wrong, it did help, but how annoying are those wires!
4. Trying to watch Downton Abbey whilst contracting in hope that Lord Grantham would distract me – no chance!
5. The nausea – no one warned me about nausea in labour! Poor design, God. Not appreciated.
6. My stupidity in refusing ALL pain relief – I’m surprised my husband didn’t have a scar across his forehead after I accidentally on purpose threw the Gas and Air at him!
7. Realising the pure genius of warm water as an analgesic
8. The embarrassing discovery that I was in fact a ‘screamer’ – the very type of woman I used to mentally tut in labours I attended- ‘conserve your energy woman’ I’d think in silent.’ Yeah I could have punched myself for every ‘screamer’ I had wronged at that moment.
9. Feeling like a sumo wrestler had taken a time out on my back with each contraction
10. Constantly apologising (so apparently I’m not just like this when slightly inebriated, also when in labour (cousins that read this, speak nothing of Florence #unacceptablebehaviour)
11. Being frustrated at hearing the soft and wispy voiced midwife telling me I was amazing (poor girl, she was only doing her job!) The thing is,  I needed a Bailey, you hear me Shonda Rhimes? I needed a Bailey or a Yang to go full on boot camp Nazi on me and this midwife, she was more April Kepner.
12. My husband trying to feed me chocolate fingers – he was not my favourite person, see point 5 above.
13. Being shocked at how my usual modest self really did not give a damn at who saw what and when. Well, that was a useful £12 spent on maternity swimwear for the waterbirth I planned then.
14. The irony of not wanting an instrumental delivery or tear and ending up with both and wanting delayed cord clamping and skin to skin time and getting neither. Screw. You. Birth. Plan. Ye of false hope. 
15. Deciding I was going to bring back the ‘one child family’ immediately after delivery…only to take it back just 30 minutes later.

It did all happen pretty quickly and in truth, it wasn’t actually too bad. I was fully dilated within 4 hours and despite a good hour and a half effort pushing with an actual bloody eye to show for it, baby girl Saravanan needed a hand. So I was moved from a low to high risk room (eek!) and a Ventouse suction cup, episiotomy and unfortunate third degree tear later, our beautiful little girl was born.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that I couldn’t deliver naturally after doing 99.99999% of the work but hey ho, once your baby arrives, it really doesn’t matter how they entered the world. It has taken me time to get over it but I can see now that what matters is that they are there, safe, in your arms, and changing your world completely.

Ours changed on 2^nd October 2014 at 19.05pm. All the blood, sweat, tears and months of planning, well, it was totally worth it.

A brilliant mop of hair, longest ever eyelashes and bright eyed stare. Seeing her at that moment, watching her turn her head to take it all in – to take us in – that was incredible. I expected I’d cry, but we were so overwhelmed that we laughed.

We were now parents of our own little family.

And yes, we survived the most beautiful little storm.

It was 6 months ago but I can remember it like it was yesterday. I suspect I’ll be saying the same even when Sophia is 16…probably with exaggerated truths as a bargaining tool to get her to make her bed (if she’s anything like her daddy!)

Being a doctor and training to be a GP, I’ve done my obstetrics rotations. So yes, I’ve delivered a few babies, shed a few tears, had lots of postnatal ward cuddles and been in more than a few labours (at the other end as it were).

Cuddles on the job 

Having worked in the best birthing unit ever (Broomfield!), I decided I couldn’t have my baby anywhere else. And yes, I had thought of how awkward it might be if I ran into a former colleague during labour but in truth, you forget about all of that when you want the best for your baby.  So after attending NCT and NHS antenatal classes, packing, unpacking and repacking my hospital bag several times, I patiently waited. And waited. And waited some more. My due date came, went and bought the t-shirt with Miss-No-Show-I’m-Too-Cosy not budging so you’ll forgive me for being a little fed up at this stage!

You don’t realise you have an expectation until it’s not met and apparently my ‘sure thing’ feeling of delivering at 38 weeks (that’s when me and my sis were born) was but wishful thinking. Being fashionably late is kind of a family signature on my part, so surprising as it is, the only time I’ve ever been early for anything was when I was born. My super punctual husband on the other hand, the cheese to my chalk, has only ever been late for one thing – his birth, so apparently, this little miss was already a daddy’s girl!

I tried almost everything – hot curries, pineapples, long walks, clary sage and birth ball bouncing. Oscar wasn’t too keen on the latter (neither were my neighbours probably) as it led to a guaranteed 20 minute barking battle – Oscar v Birth ball 1-0…hmm Baby v Me 1-0 more like! Ah to hell with it I thought, she’ll come when she’s ready. And she did.

So several false starts, 2 sweeps and is it/isn’t its later, we finally had some movement…I think? You see, I couldn’t bloody tell if ‘that’ pain was Braxton Hicks, real contractions or wind! Glamorous, I know. So when the time actually came, I dismissed it and carried on.

Little did I know that it was the real deal and things were underway unbeknownst to us. So we took Oscar for a long walk, I baked a cake, we watched the semi final of the British Bake off, I crocheted a little and we went to bed.

Our last walk as a three!

Hub was keenly recording the odd pains I had throughout the day on that blasted ‘Count the contraction’ app! And with short lasting pains and irregular intervals recorded, we decided it probably wasn’t much to get excited about. Ah never mind, induction it is I guess. Right?

Wrong. Sophia had other plans…